


Where Was My Miracle?

by southbroflovski



Category: South Park
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Friends to Lovers, High School, Jealousy, Just Friends, M/M, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, Sad, Sad Ending, Unrequited, Unrequited Love, barely, just kidding, this is way too personal, unfortunately
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:33:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27908287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/southbroflovski/pseuds/southbroflovski
Summary: Stan’s been in love with Kyle for awhile and decides it’s finally time to tell him in a last ditch effort to make something out of a crumbling friendship.
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	Where Was My Miracle?

It’s hard to believe that I’m actually going through with this. At least I’m supposed to, but I wouldn't blame myself if I switched up at the last second. The trip walking over to Kyle’s is one I know well, and happens to be very short, so I’m taking my time. I need it to think because frankly, I don’t know if this is a good decision, and maybe some miracle will fly in just in time to knock sense into me. 

The past year was particularly tough for me. On top of figuring out my sexuality and dealing with who made me start to even question it to begin with, Kyle started drifting away from me. It’s hard to pinpoint why, but he and Kenny got a lot closer than usual, and I was essentially replaced. The pain and jealousy of watching your person slowly become somebody else’s after so long is powerful, and even more powerful when you realize you’ve been in love with your person for a while. The thing is that I’m not his person anymore.

He’s still mine, though.

We’re still friends, but things have felt different for about a year. I don’t know if it was something I did wrong or not, and I’ve given up asking because every answer is the same, each holding filler words that carry no real meaning. Yet, I still crave the moments I get to spend with him, even though they aren’t the same, and every one of his late, dead, and effortless responses to my desperate attempts at starting a conversation. 

Something tells me that wanting him to care about me so much is unhealthy, but the voice is practically a whisper, so I ignore it. I’m not sure where my desire to finally tell him how I feel came from, but I haven’t had a sign telling me to stop, so I’m going to be superstitious about it and give myself hope.

We’re supposed to be hanging out tonight just like normal, and it’s already late so we’ll probably have most of the house to ourselves while Ike plays online video games and his parents sit in bed. I try to ignore my nerves and the thumps of blood rushing to my numbing ears and knock on the door. 

I’m watching frosty fog clouds form from my breath in the winter air when the door opens, Kyle standing behind it in the old basketball shirt and pair of shorts he nearly always wears to bed.

“Hey dude,” I smile.

He returns the greeting and I follow him inside, slipping off my shoes as I have every time prior at the direction of Mrs. Broflovski, while he locks the front door.

“Wanna head upstairs?” He suggests.

“Sure,” I agree, trailing behind him in a jog straight to his room. I shut the door behind me as Kyle plops on his bed.

“You wanna play Mario Kart?” He asks.

“You know I’m always down to win at Mario Kart,” I taunt him. He just laughs and shakes his head, uncasing the CD before slipping it in the console. Kyle’s games always were in the right case and organized, rarely scattered like mine seemed to always be, and it was admirable to me. 

He hands me a controller, encased in a driving wheel to fit it, and finishes setting up the game. “What speed do you wanna do?”

“200,” I respond.

He turns over his shoulder and gives me a dead look. “You know I’m not gonna be able to stay on the road with 200.”

“Yeah,” I chuckle. “That’s the point.”

Kyle picks the 100cc option and we start the game. It’s hard to tell if we’re silent because there’s nothing to say or because we’re focused, but I’d like to think it’s simply focus. As much as I want the silence between us to be okay and comforting, every moment we pause in conversation is one more confirmation that our friendship is dwindling. 

We spend the rest of the short night tossing words back and forth while I watch him scroll through social media at points, before and during the movie he threw on.

It’s only less than halfway through the movie, while I’m watching his phone screen feed him new videos with every swipe. Some of them make him smile, and it practically infects me. 

Ultimately deciding it’s time, I sit up anxiously and nearly force the words from my mouth. “Can I talk to you about something?”

Kyle raises his eyebrows in interest, putting his phone face down on the covers. “Of course. What’s up?”

I start speaking, and my voice sounds so unnecessarily loud, even though I know it can’t possibly be. The movie in the background is muted to my ears, and his full attention only makes my stomach flutter more. “It’s kinda important,” I explain slowly, realizing I don’t know what to say. He nods and waits for me to continue, and I do with a sigh. “Um, it took me a long time to realize and it was really hard for me, but there’s something that I should’ve known for a while now. You’re really important to me,” I push out shakily, noting how tense Kyle gets. “And we’ve been best friends for so long.” I say that part even though it doesn’t feel fitting and hasn’t for a year.

“I don’t want this to ruin anything, but I really like you and I think I have for a long time,” I finally get out, chewing at the skin on my cheek.

“Oh,” he says.

I can tell he’s thinking of what to say, so I just wait quietly, teeth adding more rough marks to my mouth with each second.

“That’s really sweet, Stan, but I’m sorry, dude,” he quietly speaks with undertones of surprise. The “dude” he threw in really felt like another slap to the face in the moment, but all I could do was try to push the lump in my throat back down for now. “I just don’t really see you that way.”

There it is. “That’s okay. I didn’t expect you to. I just couldn’t keep it from you any longer.” Somehow the air felt even more uncomfortable than before.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes again.

I can taste the pity radiating from his voice like small cuts that make my eyes tear up. I can’t listen to this anymore. “Maybe I should head home,” I say, already sliding off the bed. I didn’t really need his answer. 

“You don’t have to go. I don’t mind if you sleep over,” he offers. I make note of the fact that he said he didn’t mind if I stayed rather than him saying he wanted me to. It’s a small difference, but it’s enough. I was already leaving anyway.

“That’s okay, I kinda have a headache anyways,” I lie, opening the door. My brain is begging me to get out of there before I break down in front of him. It’s not that I haven’t before, but after that, it’s almost like all of those shared moments of vulnerability and pure friendship were washed away. That’s what it has felt like since we drifted apart, and it’s only more prominent now. 

“Okay,” he gave in easily, to my further disappointment, his own laced through his voice. “Well, at least text me later how you’re doing.”

“Yeah, I will. See ya,” I utter quickly, refusing to face him.

As soon as he says bye, I shut the door completely and get out of there as fast as my feet can take me. This was such a stupid idea. Why am I so stupid? I knew I wasn’t jealous of Kenny for no reason. I know he likes him. Fuck this. Where the fuck was my sign? I asked for a miracle to tell me I was wrong, and not one sign came. Where was my miracle?

**Author's Note:**

> If you’re reading this to purposely be sad, don’t read this note, but if not, you can. Anyways, I like to think that even though the story seems like it has a sad ending, that it only ends before you get to see the happy one. In this situation, it was unhealthy for Stan to chase after someone who didn’t want him, and this could be the start to him letting this go. I tried to show their drifted relationship through their interaction and hope I did that well, so lmk any suggestions you might have. (also I cranked this out in a couple hours so it might not be that great) anyways, I very much need to learn this lesson and this is literally a reflection of my life but for some reason I’m not listening to my own writing? hope you enjoyed something different though:)


End file.
